The only redeeming
feature of the Friday the 13th fan film The
Cold Heart of Crystal Lake is that it
is set in the winter, which makes it stand out from the intractable
summertime backdrop of the canonical series and also the fan films it has
spawned. One of the characters even remarks upon the trend when
restating the Jason Voorhees legend, characterizing the killer as
“monotonously seasonal.” Don’t let this witty meta-commentary
fool you, though—the dialogue is otherwise quite awful. The
Cold Heart of Crystal Lake is marred by
poorly framed shots and muddy, murky video quality. The only real
highlight comes when Jason fells one victim by body-checking him, a
nod (perhaps unintentional) to Jason’s ineffaceable associations with
hockey equipment. We are also graced with bra-level nudity; I point this out
not to deign to the compulsions of the male gaze but rather to give kudos to the amateur filmmakers for meeting, at least to a partial extent, one of the necessary conditions for qualifying as a true Friday the 13th film (the breastless Part 6 being the forgivable exception). Some kudos are also due for the
gory kills, including one in which Jason pulls out an annoying girl’s
intestines. These kills, however, generally go on too long. In that sense,
they are a microcosm of the film itself. Even at a runtime of sixteen
minutes, The Cold Heart of Crystal Lake tries the viewer's patience.
Watch it here, if you must.